I was actually really concerned about starting T, worried about the medical implications and how it might change the way I think. I was worried about losing my ability to feel emotion because it is such a strong motivation for my art practice. I know now that T won't change the way you feel or the way you think except by proxy. By that I mean the changes the T brings about in the way you feel about yourself spill over in positive ways. I noticed a big difference in my behaviour because of the positive effects that T had on my mental wellness. My level of patience, my ability to bite my tongue, my ability to say no all changed for the better after starting T. It took a while for me to get to this place but I no longer feel like a slave to my emotions the way I did when I had estrogen pumping through my veins.
My family and friends have noticed a difference as well. Not just in my physical appearance but more so in my state of being. They are surprised at how laid back I have become, less prone to flying off the handle or reacting in anger or irritation more quickly. I find it ironic that one of the fears some trans guys have about starting T is the idea that they will lose their ability to control their emotions and become monsters of rage and get aggressive. I think that that fear comes from those few documented cases where testosterone is used illegally and in great quantities for athletic enhancement. A regular metered dose of Testosterone has huge physical and mental consequences and to abuse it would be like abusing any other substance.
I am glad to say that I am finally at a place where I feel like I am whole. I am happy with my body, very happy with the changes with which testosterone has blessed me, and feeling like I can face my future head on. Looking back I think so many mistakes I made were a result of not being able to articulate how I really felt about who I was. I think I felt so uncomfortable in my body that much of my life was spent acting out like a little kid trying to figure out what was going to make that awful feeling go away. Now that I am finally living in a body I can love I am hoping to move forward and be a better brother, a better son, a better grandson, a better nephew, and a better person all around.
I have the tools and the experience to help others, to mentor, to teach and to build understanding by bridging the gap between us. I want to make the world a better place and I am going to do that by living authentically. I will be supportive of my friends in their time of need. I will stand behind my family no matter what, give them as much time as they need to come to understand me and accept my as a man. I will educate people when I can about gender and sexuality in a way that isn't threatening and find opportunities to mentor others who might need someone just to listen.
I have gone through my transition as a single guy and I've actually loved every minute of it. Sure it's been lonely at times but I think I am finally at a place where I know I can rely on me. At last I feel self-reliant, self-sufficient, and I actually like my (new) self quite a bit. I am a little apprehensive about getting out there and dating. No one ever offers to set me up with a date and I'm kind of glad I don't have to deal with that nightmare in a small town. I'm sure there is someone out there for me but at the moment I am enjoying my mid-life bachelorhood.
Summer has finally arrived in the north and I am likely to be a very busy boy with art and writing and fishing and kayaking. I am taking full advantage of every opportunity no matter how terrifying to live the rest of my life without fear. I spent the first half of my life hiding and being miserable, making excuses and never really allowing myself to do what I wanted, to be successful in what I wanted. Looking forward I have everything I need to achieve what I dreamed of as a little kid and there is nothing in the way to stop me.
The future is looking bright no matter what.