6.01.2012

Two Year Man-niversary

Two years on T and I gotta say for sure 100% this is the best thing I have ever done. In spite of the fact that I still can't grow a decent moustache, I am totally happy to be celebrating my second year of transition. I'm not really sure when transition is complete, when my "mental illness" will have been successfully treated and I'll have been "cured". but here after two years I'd say I'm well on my way to living in a permanent state of normal.

I was actually really concerned about starting T, worried about the medical implications and how it might change the way I think. I was worried about losing my ability to feel emotion because it is such a strong motivation for my art practice. I know now that T won't change the way you feel or the way you think except by proxy. By that I mean the changes the T brings about in the way you feel about yourself spill over in positive ways. I noticed a big difference in my behaviour because of the positive effects that T had on my mental wellness. My level of patience, my ability to bite my tongue, my ability to say no all changed for the better after starting T. It took a while for me to get to this place but I no longer feel like a slave to my emotions the way I did when I had estrogen pumping through my veins.

My family and friends have noticed a difference as well. Not just in my physical appearance but more so in my state of being. They are surprised at how laid back I have become, less prone to flying off the handle or reacting in anger or irritation more quickly. I find it ironic that one of the fears some trans guys have about starting T is the idea that they will lose their ability to control their emotions and become monsters of rage and get aggressive. I think that that fear comes from those few documented cases where testosterone is used illegally and in great quantities for athletic enhancement. A regular metered dose of Testosterone has huge physical and mental consequences and to abuse it would be like abusing any other substance. 

I am glad to say that I am finally at a place where I feel like I am whole. I am happy with my body, very happy with the changes with which testosterone has blessed me, and feeling like I can face my future head on. Looking back I think so many mistakes I made were a result of not being able to articulate how I really felt about who I was. I think I felt so uncomfortable in my body that much of my life was spent acting out like a little kid trying to figure out what was going to make that awful feeling go away. Now that I am finally living in a body I can love I am hoping to move forward and be a better brother, a better son, a better grandson, a better nephew, and a better person all around.

I have the tools and the experience to help others, to mentor, to teach and to build understanding by bridging the gap between us. I want to make the world a better place and I am going to do that by living authentically. I will be supportive of my friends in their time of need. I will stand behind my family no matter what, give them as much time as they need to come to understand me and accept my as a man. I will educate people when I can about gender and sexuality in a way that isn't threatening and find opportunities to mentor others who might need someone just to listen.

I have gone through my transition as a single guy and I've actually loved every minute of it. Sure it's been lonely at times but I think I am finally at a place where I know I can rely on me. At last I feel self-reliant, self-sufficient, and I actually like my (new) self quite a bit. I am a little apprehensive about getting out there and dating. No one ever offers to set me up with a date and I'm kind of glad I don't have to deal with that nightmare in a small town. I'm sure there is someone out there for me but at the moment I am enjoying my mid-life bachelorhood.

Summer has finally arrived in the north and I am likely to be a very busy boy with art and writing and fishing and kayaking. I am taking full advantage of every opportunity no matter how terrifying to live the rest of my life without fear. I spent the first half of my life hiding and being miserable, making excuses and never really allowing myself to do what I wanted, to be successful in what I wanted. Looking forward I have everything I need to achieve what I dreamed of as a little kid and there is nothing in the way to stop me.

The future is looking bright no matter what.