2.10.2012

Chick Flicks and the Altered Male

The good old days of being able to put on a sappy movie and have a good cry are over. It's true men will never understand why women watch so-called chick flicks, or even what it means to have or need "a good cry". The reason women don't understand why men just don't get "it" is because women don't have testosterone. Now I would be really interested to hear from my trans sisters who have opted in favour of the big E and given up their testosterone to find out if they now "get it".

I've had a couple of really depressing and frustrating days and I am not yet used to the new emotional framework I have going for me here. On one hand I have socialization telling me men don't cry and on the other I have the experience of living life as a woman for 34 years. Before I began my transition I experienced life as a series of catastrophes and jubilations. I had a severe hormone cycle that rivaled bipolar disorder. I experienced migraines in high school most likely as a result of an undiagnosed hormone imbalance and heap a bunch of long running family issues on top of that and you are looking at a recipe for disaster.

I felt so out of balance and so out of whack most of the time, but the worst part was feeling out of control. Not knowing how to or being able to control my emotions was very difficult and unfortunately I alienated many people in my life. Once I started Testosterone I found that I suddenly felt I like I had control over my emotions. I could actually make a decision based on facts and reason and NOT be swayed by emotions like guilt someone else's manipulation. I started to say no when I didn't want to do things. I found myself asking for what I wanted and not being suddenly overcome by tidal waves of emotion. I have more patience. I am less irritable and more likely to be able to sit in the same room as someone who drives me crazy and just let them be. I find I am more stable, more steady and feel better prepared to deal with any surprises good or bad that might come my way. I am finally the captain of my own vessel.

Life has leveled out. Testosterone has done many great things for me and I can't imagine being without it ever again....(although the Testosterone shortage at the moment has me a bit apprehensive). It is as if my body has been missing an essential ingredient up to this point and now finally my life is re-balancing itself. There is one thing though....sometimes I do want to watch 13 going on 30 or Sweet Home Alabama and eat a tub of peanut butter chocolate ice cream. But now, thanks to T, it isn't really an option since crying isn't really something I do much anymore. And when I need to as I've learned....I can't. How do you like that.

I'm stuck now kind of, not able to cry when I feel like I need to and yet thankfully I know I still can (thanks to a few manipulative commercials I saw over the Christmas holiday). What I'm not sure of is how I am going to deal with feeling crappy and not having access to my usual go-to coping mechanism. Please don't tell me physical exercise because seriously, no one enjoys running at -35C. And no, the gym is not an option for me as I'm not prepared to share locker room space with strangers. I know I could probably do some sort of fitness right here but frankly I am just too damn lazy for that. Fishing, sure, kayaking yes, hiking for sure but running up and down the stairs to break a sweat? I'll pass.

So while I try to figure out what might make me feel better besides some temperatures above zero and a little more sunshine, I think I'll stick to the vitamin D supplements and drawing. A little Iron Chef Japan never hurt either.....unless you are what's for dinner!

2 comments:

Damon Wille said...

I'm coming up on my one-year anniversary for starting T and I've been in many high-stress situations since. Before T, high-stress situations made me panic and cry. I would sweat and shake and get sick to my stomach. If I got angry, I would cry. Now, in high-stress situations, I may get a little nauseous but no one has any idea because I have no outside physical reaction. And I have not cried since before I started T. It's very bizarre to know that "hey, this situation should make me cry" and it doesn't.

Randi said...

Yep! I "get it". I was male assigned at birth. Lived a normal T filled life from teenage to the early 50's.

I became hypogonadic and had a T level of 150 on a scale of 300-1100. My Estradiol was 80 on a scale of 0-50.

About 4 years ago I started testosterone replacement. Strangely, I am very sensitive to estrogen and have a lot of aromatase, an enzyme that converts testosterone to estradiol.

My T went up a little bit, but my estradiol went up a lot.

I found myself crying about beautiful things, such as hearing a choir or classical music. Reveling in the beauty of nature. Shedding tears of joy.

So, yeah, I totally "get it". And I like it. I'm getting to point where I think I should be taking estradiol instead of testosterone.

I also like the boobs that have appeared in the last few years. Nothing strange about that... plenty of MTF transsexuals feel that way.

The only odd bit is that I did so well from age 16-52 as a testosterone filled male.

It was only after the hormone levels "flipped" that I started feeling like a woman and discovered that I liked that feeling.

With that said, I can totally understand my taking T and living male can be just fine. As for me... Been there, done that. Not interested in that anymore.

Randi