Chick Flicks and the Altered Male
I've had a couple of really depressing and frustrating days and I am not yet used to the new emotional framework I have going for me here. On one hand I have socialization telling me men don't cry and on the other I have the experience of living life as a woman for 34 years. Before I began my transition I experienced life as a series of catastrophes and jubilations. I had a severe hormone cycle that rivaled bipolar disorder. I experienced migraines in high school most likely as a result of an undiagnosed hormone imbalance and heap a bunch of long running family issues on top of that and you are looking at a recipe for disaster.
I felt so out of balance and so out of whack most of the time, but the worst part was feeling out of control. Not knowing how to or being able to control my emotions was very difficult and unfortunately I alienated many people in my life. Once I started Testosterone I found that I suddenly felt I like I had control over my emotions. I could actually make a decision based on facts and reason and NOT be swayed by emotions like guilt someone else's manipulation. I started to say no when I didn't want to do things. I found myself asking for what I wanted and not being suddenly overcome by tidal waves of emotion. I have more patience. I am less irritable and more likely to be able to sit in the same room as someone who drives me crazy and just let them be. I find I am more stable, more steady and feel better prepared to deal with any surprises good or bad that might come my way. I am finally the captain of my own vessel.
Life has leveled out. Testosterone has done many great things for me and I can't imagine being without it ever again....(although the Testosterone shortage at the moment has me a bit apprehensive). It is as if my body has been missing an essential ingredient up to this point and now finally my life is re-balancing itself. There is one thing though....sometimes I do want to watch 13 going on 30 or Sweet Home Alabama and eat a tub of peanut butter chocolate ice cream. But now, thanks to T, it isn't really an option since crying isn't really something I do much anymore. And when I need to as I've learned....I can't. How do you like that.
I'm stuck now kind of, not able to cry when I feel like I need to and yet thankfully I know I still can (thanks to a few manipulative commercials I saw over the Christmas holiday). What I'm not sure of is how I am going to deal with feeling crappy and not having access to my usual go-to coping mechanism. Please don't tell me physical exercise because seriously, no one enjoys running at -35C. And no, the gym is not an option for me as I'm not prepared to share locker room space with strangers. I know I could probably do some sort of fitness right here but frankly I am just too damn lazy for that. Fishing, sure, kayaking yes, hiking for sure but running up and down the stairs to break a sweat? I'll pass.
So while I try to figure out what might make me feel better besides some temperatures above zero and a little more sunshine, I think I'll stick to the vitamin D supplements and drawing. A little Iron Chef Japan never hurt either.....unless you are what's for dinner!