9.13.2011

Clouds and Rainbows

For the last eleven months I have been a single guy. I don't go out much, I stay home and don't really socialize too much. There are a few people who's company I enjoy but for the most part I have become more of a loner. Part of the reason is I don't want to have to explain myself all the time. I don't want to have to answer questions about my genitalia or sexuality or feel like I am satisfying someone's curiosity about transexuals. I feel alone a lot of the time and honestly sometimes the lonliness is unbearable.

I have been trying hard to make new friends but since transitioning my normal outgoing confident self has become a shy and quiet guy who keeps mostly to himself. I am ok one on one or in very small groups or very large groups where I can sort of just blend into a crowd. I have been trying to get out and meet people but as a quiet sort of laid back guy who usually prefers his own company, it's easier said than done.

I volunteer with the local SPCA and I am working on becoming more involved in the Arts Community. Our little city is big on music and performing arts but sucks the big one when it comes to visual arts of any kind. There isn't a single public gallery space in the capital city and funding is only available after you have been a resident for two years. How frustrating. Still, I am making work and attending events. Sooner or later I hope to meet some people that I can spend time with on a regular basis.

I have met a few people here that I hope will become really good friends. I know that the longer I stay the harder it will be to leave them behind. There are things I will miss- the writers festival, Saturday afternoon salvaging at the dump, and things like the bitter cold winter and expensive everything that come with living in arctic isolation. I wish there was a special someone in my life but recently I have been reminded that no matter how lonesome it gets I would rather be alone than with a jerk.

Out for a beer with a few friends one night I met a young man who seemed pretty cool. He was smart and funny and nice looking. I was not interested in dating him but having someone to hang out with would have been nice. He was after a date but after talking with him for a little while I began to hear things that I didn't like. A flippant comment here, a little insult there and then he said something so offensive to me that I basically told him I was no longer interested in spending any more time getting to know him.

I felt stupid, I felt betrayed and I felt angry. It is hard enough being queer in a small city (although I have to say this one seems to have a high concentration of queers in it for it's size) without being gay and an ass. I was pissed right off for a couple of reasons. Saying something offensive and then claiming you were just joking (even if you were) insinuates that you think I should be complacent or participate in your behaviour regardless of whether or not it was serious. You must be too young then to remember the history of pride and the rights that GLBT people are till fighting for today. Participating in that oppression by using the derogatory language of hatred does not help to foster understanding or peaceful co-existence. Thinking it's funny to insult people who are standing up to protect your rights is despicable.

For as much as I would like some companionship, I am not willing to sacrifice my ethics. It has taken me far to long to become the man I've always wanted to begin compromising my beliefs. It's too bad that there always seem to be dark clouds hanging around the beautiful rainbows.

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