February Pity Party

It's true. I've been pretty miserable this month and to think that I haven't even got a menstrual cycle to blame it on. I am sure my estrogen hormones are at work plotting their evil little mood swings and it seems of late they have had the upper hand. I have been feeling pretty crappy since Christmas really. Most of it is homesickness. I haven't seen my family since May and being away from them at Christmas after breaking up with my girlfriend was really shitty. I have been trying to get myself motivated to do something besides sulk about it- taking a yoga class, trying to make some artwork, getting out of the house once in awhile but I have to admit I am really starting to feel defeated.

I mostly hate my new job even though it has only been two months. I try to focus on the positive aspects of it but some days I feel like I might actually just snap and come completely unglued and have a raging hissy fit all over the office. I am trying to remember that doing something eight times is somehow making me a better designer but most of the time I just fucking hate having to do the same job over and over and over for someone's anal 1/16th of an inch that a client will never ever notice. The people I work with are nice enough but they are 10+ years younger than I am as the new guy I kind of feel like I am the third person in a marriage....it's awkward. A serious lack of leadership and professionalism aren't helping me feel like I should take this job seriously. No real prospect for advancement and the chance of seeing a raise anytime is like wishing to win the lottery.

It's been super cold here too for the last month the temperature has been hanging out mostly around -30C to -35C. Add the wind and we've been down to -45C more than once and -50C at least one time. It warmed up to -22C today which felt damn near like spring, at least until I walked into the wind and the -32C windchill breezed across my skin. If it actually makes it to -4C this weekend I think I might go snowshoeing in my shorts. The city cancelled the march carnival and with no vacation time at all until Easter time has not been my friend.

I have been out a couple times but since I am a single guy now hanging out with my e and her friends feels a little weird. I am still feeling pretty self conscious and more than a little paranoid about how things are going since I keep getting second hand info about things that are being said behind my back. Not exactly sure how to face people who have only had one side of a break up story starring me as the heartless bastard... I really hurt my best friend when the guilt and awkwardness made me avoid playing nice at her birthday party. I can't ever take it back or do it over and I know I came out of that looking like a total asshole. I know she was angry and hurt but I still don't know how to make it up to her.

Wah wah wah I know. I warned you it was a pity party.  My car is acting up. The service engine light came on tonight. I am crossing my fingers it's the gas cap or the twitchy temperature and not something major. I need a leak repaired in the oil pan, new brakes, new belts, a new muffler, and probably new spark plugs. Some of that work I can do myself (and will) but have no garage and spring is a long way off.

I am looking forward to the end of this month, why I'm not sure. Maybe I'll get to go home for a visit in March. Maybe it will warm up, the snow will melt a little and I can ride my bike to work and fix my car. Maybe I'll get a chance to go fishing again and actually catch something this time! Maybe I'll get a job offer and be able to move. Maybe I'll get on the cancellation list and have my top surgery early. Maybe I'll actually make some prints, participate in some exchanges and have enough drawings for a show. Maybe this month I will see a moustache. Maybe I'll win the lottery or meet some new friends and maybe, just maybe March will bring me a bluebird.

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