Eight Months on T

36 weeks
Eight months. Eight months and I still feel like my body has changed a LOT and not enough! With a surgery date finally set I am working on getting myself healthy in preparation. I have started eating a lot better, cutting down on soda and treats which has also helped my bank account. I am taking vitamins, and joined a beginner yoga class to build my strength, flexibility, and an opportunity to learn relaxation and stress-management techniques. I am trying to read more and set myself a schedule to make sure I get enough sleep. I am hoping that by the time my one year anniversary rolls around I will feel ready for the surgery, fit, and happy. Now here is the eight month update:

Acne: I had my antibiotic prescription renewed by a new doctor so of course I filled it and when I went to see my regular doctor he said that  I should have gone down to a maintenance dose because the medication can be hard on my liver and even more so because I am also on testosterone. I will be finishing this last batch and dropping the dose down. My acne is pretty much under control now but my back is still prone to breakouts. I am not sure if the blemishes that are there now are scars or if my skin will ever really clear up.

I have been pretty good about watching what I eat lately. I have been diligent at making my lunch to take to work, eating home made foods including fruit and vegetables and drinking more water. I quit drinking as much as I used to staying home from the pub Friday nights. I have cut the amount of sugar I take in my coffee in half and have cut down my soda intake by over half. As a reward I allow myself one lunch from the deli a week on Fridays. Usually fish n chips with out the chips or a soup and sandwich. Just because I get lunch out once a week doesn't mean it can be crap! I am feeling pretty good, going to hockey once a week and to yoga twice a week. Can't wait till it is warm enough to ride my bike to work.

Injection: I haven't injected t into my leg since my last dizzy spell. I know I am supposed to rotate injection sites but I have decided to stick to the ventral gluteal muscles for now until I can either switch to a T patch or find another painless and veinless injection site. Otherwise I am getting better at getting it over with fast and haven't had any nausea or dizziness.

Hair: My hairline is changing. I am definitely losing hair near my temples but not so much that I feel like I am going bald! The happy trail is moving in  and my legs are definitely looking manly. Chest hairs are sprouting up and my belly looks like it is going to be pretty hairy. Sadly I thinkI might lose all the hard won chest hair when I have surgery but hopefully they will repopulate the area again soon after. The hair on my arms is filling in slowly but surely and no doubt in time they will be as hairy as my legs. So far no back hair!

Mood: I am still pretty homesick but the news of surgery before the hottest part of the summer is great news. I will celebrate my first birthday without boobs since I was eight years old! I have some big plans for the future that includes a big move. I know that my mood can vary day to day but I look forward to weekends, lunch hours and little moments of peace and quiet. I am taking one day at a time but now that some dates have been set I finally feel like I can move forward.

Voice: Not much has changed, at least not to my ear. I don't know if it is still dropping... I think it might be a little but perhaps it is just settling. I notice that time to time it feels a little more unstable and sometimes I feel like I just sound like I have a cold. Still no singing in my future. I don't know what I expected my voice to sound like but I still feel like it doesn't sound male. I listen to other guys voices and they aren't deep exactly and so I am trying to figure out what differentiates a man's voice from a woman's.

Other: I started a yoga class and I am still really self conscious about my chest. I am trying not to get too hung up about it but I think I might try wearing one of my looser fitting binders and a workout shirt. I am not really afraid of confrontation as much as I am of glaring stares and I am trying to pull my head out of that space where I feel paranoid about people staring at my body. I worry a lot that I will be betrayed by my tits and outed by my body. I am sick of feeling like I am lying or in hiding but at the same time I wish I could just be me as I am right now and not care about what other people think. Why does being trans make me feel like I am a liar?


Anonymous said...

Marcus, keep up the YOGA! It's the best! It will really help the mind as well as the body (if you have good teachers.) J.U.

Eric Satchwill said...

Hey Marcus! I thought it might be you when I saw your blog title on Transguys :)

I'll be a year on T end of February, and I absolutely understand feeling like my body has changed a lot and not enough. It seems like after the first "holy crap, changes!" it mostly comes in fits and spurts; just enough to notice, but no quite enough to point to something concrete, yeah?

I don't know why being trans feels like being a liar, but it sucks. We shouldn't have to feel ashamed of our bodies or who we are.