12.28.2010

Seven Months on T

Seven Months
It's been seven months since I started taking testosterone and while the first four months are definitely the most turbulent with regards to hormone therapy, the past few have not seemed as noteworthy. Once you sort of get in the swing of things and get back to your normal routine life sort of just carries on. Physical changes aren't as exciting perhaps because one can only spend so much time trying to remember if that hair was there last week...

Either way here are the noteworthy changes for the monthly update:

Acne: I love anitbiotics. My skin is clearing up and even though I still get blemishes on my back and chest they are considerably smaller and do not scar as badly as the others did. I do not know how long I will have to be on this drug but until things settle down it is really a blessing. I have been able to wear a binder without pain or irritation but look forward to having the increased greasiness I feel disappear soon!

Body:
It's December and it's cold and it's Christmas time so I am going to have to work extra hard to lose some of this hibernation chubb. So far I haven't had to go up a pant size but spring can't get here soon enough. I hope that if rumours are true and my top surgery does happen before the summer (hey I can dream) I think I will be more likely to exercise because I will be less self conscious about my chest. I am thinking of buying a one man kayak to encourage myself to get out a bit more as well. Fishing is a great motivator!

Injection: As promised I decided to stop talking about what's going on in my drawers unless there is some big news, instead I will give you a little update on how injection stuff is going. As you may know I've had a couple scares with injections and I find myself trying not to get too anxious about having to stab myself with a syringe once a week. This month I have mostly been sticking with the gluteal injection as I find it less painful and less intimidating. Also I haven't had the nasty ill panic dizzy spells that I had twice when injecting in my thighs. I will talk to my doctor about this when I see him next week.

Hair: Arm hairs are getting manly and my facial hair is growing little by little. I have a lot of good beard under my chin but I am still awaiting the sideburns and moustache. My facial hair is looking like it's coming in salt and pepper and as my hair gets more silver by the day it will be interesting to see exactly how it all looks when I can finally grow a moustache. I can see the shadows of hairs as they get thicker over my upper lip but good wax worthy moustaches are still a long way away.

Mood: Despite being recently single I am actually in a fairly decent mood these days. The feeling I am suffering most these days is homesickness. I need to find a way to let go of home and find a new place to start a new life. I have my eye on a small northern city but will not be making any big moves until after surgery and recovery. Having a decent job to go to wouldn't hurt either! Spring weather will no doubt help lift the spirits and now that the days are getting longer seeing some more sunshine wouldn't hurt either.

Voice: I don't think I have mentioned before that I am pretty self conscious of my voice. Some people say that my voice hasn't changed that much but others say they notice a big change. Funny, it must be how well they know you! I speak pretty quietly these days as my confidence seems to have abandoned me just when I need it the most. A little more confidence that my voice won't falter and crack will likely return my voice to a pitch where normal humans can hear it again.

Other: Yeah yeah I still need more exercise and need to eat better. thinking about doing a detoxifying cleanse to kick start the metabolism again and wean myself off all the sugar! Getting off that stuff will really help and into a healthier eating pattern. I have cut down on the amount of alcohol I drink which has helped me keep in better spirits and has left me with extra money in my pocket which is nice too. A new year is a great time for a positive change and I think I will set my mind to a simple home exercise program and commit to eating better. I love cooking so maybe it's time to cook up a storm of healthy food and reap the rewards in time for spring.

12.26.2010

One Step Closer

I meant to post this a while ago...

I got an early Christmas present: a call from the ministry of health last week telling me that they have finally approved the funding for my top surgery! YAY! As usual there is never anything concrete until it actually happens so I will not celebrate until I wake up in the hospital with both tits gone (what a nightmare to wake up and find out they only took one!)

I have a couple more steps before I can begin any type of countdown to freedom. I am awaiting approval to have my surgery done by the surgeon with whom I have already had a consultation. I have asked the ministry to consider allowing me to have him do the surgery because it is closer to my home and closer to my family: I would prefer to be with them during my recovery than alone in a  hotel in an unfamiliar city.  I am supposed to hear back regarding the actual location in the early part of January so I am hoping that it doesn't take another three months for them to decide. If they insist on me having the surgery done by their own guy then I end up having to travel a lot farther away and be alone during surgery and recovery but I will deal with that if it happens.

So until I hear more from the ministry office I will be cautiously optimistic about my chances of actually having top surgery sometime in the near future! And by near I mean sometime in the next year....

12.25.2010

A Wonderful Life

Jimmy Stewart
One of my very favourite movies of all time plays on television every Christmas Eve: It's a Wonderful Life. I saw this movie for the first time a few years ago and I was struck by the simplicity of the story and the profound yet honest lessons it taught me.

More recently, when considering the kind of man I hope to be, George Bailey has become one of the men I look up to. He is an exemplary model of masculinity; loyal, ethical, kind, generous, and loving while at the same time having moments of selfishness and disgruntled irritation. Sometimes he's a downright ass. He has dreams to see the world and build modern cities which he repeatedly sacrifices so that others might achieve their own dreams of having a modest home in which to raise their children.

He constantly seems to get the short end of the stick, poor George and until Clarence, his guardian angel, points out all the wonderful gifts George has he can't see them. Unfortunately this is often the problem we have when trying to find our own place in the world and it applies to notions of manhood as well. Too often we overlook our own strengths, and virtues when we compare ourselves to others. How often have you been envious of a character someone else has, fearing that you might not measure up without it? Not handsome like him, not strong like him, not outgoing like him, not rich like him, not athletic, or disciplined, or as smart as someone else? Why is it we look to others to validate our own worth? That simple kind gesture, or smile might have made someones day. The stern but honest criticism might have hurt someone feelings for a moment but it may have motivated them to success. Often the consequences of our actions on others lives goes untold. This holds true for good as well as bad.

George couldn't see that his greatest gift he ever gave to others was the sacrifice of his own dream. He couldn't see that the people he'd helped with his generosity were loyal and considered him more than a business man; they considered him a friend. And as we all know, no man is a failure who has friends.

Mr. Potter was the personification of that self-doubting voice that lives inside all of us. He is that self depricating doubtful voice that makes us believe that we aren't living up to other people's expectations of us, that we are letting people down, that we just might be worth more dead than alive. And honestly there isn't anyone that likes that old money-grubbing buzzard anyway.

George is a good man; a sensitive, kind,  family man who works hard to support his family. The reason people identify with George Bailey is he isn't a perfect man all the time; he is a real guy who had dreams and disappointments and made sacrifices and has regrets just like everyone else. George has  dreams of being great. He has a bit of an ego and he struggles reconcile the man he always dreamt of being with the man he sees himself to be. Until Clarence and Mary show him just what a loved and well respected man he is George never considers how his actions have affected others. He can't see himself through the eyes of his friends and therefore doesn't recognize himself as a success.

My grandfather was a man like George Bailey and I often wonder what he wanted from his life- before he went off to war, before he got married, and had a family. I wonder if his life had turned out the way he had wanted it to or if he was one of the lucky guys like George who wound up with so much more than he ever dreamed.

So for everyone out there who hears that cranky old Mr Potter in their head, close the door to his office today. Look closely at what is around you and see what you have,  it might make you realize you are richer than you think.

Merry Christmas.