I have been going to hockey faithfully for the last couple of weeks. We usually have two change rooms booked for us and I have taken to changing in the one farthest away from the front door. Usually everyone crams into the first dressing room and the second one is pretty empty. The second dressing room is sort of the unofficial gender-neutral room and one of the bio guys changed in there with us last week which was totally fine. I actually kind of enjoyed having another guy around; I felt a little less alone. This week however they segregated him to a completely different room...all by himself and as attendance dwindles it will be interesting to see if he comes back to the dressing room or stays stuck in the ref's closet.
I realized that my feelings of awkwardness were causing me to segregate myself. I have been avoiding people and spending a lot of time alone and my dysphoria made me feel like I didn't belong anywhere. What I finally realized was that by segregating myself I was drawing attention to myself instead of just changing in one of the assigned dressing rooms. I am feeling less anxious about going to hockey and less anxious about changing. I don't worry about being "outed" anymore and care less about the gender tags. No one has made a fuss or complained or questioned my presence at the games. I have been so wrapped up in my transition I keep thinking it is the only thing other people are talking about when I am around...wow how egotistical is that? It's funny, the first time I went through puberty I am sure no one was talking about me and that was just fine! I'm not a mind reader thank god but I realize that no matter how uneasy I feel in my own skin, my discomfort isn't necessarily perceived by others. I need to worry less about what other people are thinking or talking about and enjoy some ignorant bliss!