10.27.2010

Again, with the Tits...

I am getting frustrated waiting for someone else to decide my fate with regard to my top surgery. It seems like the people in charge of making funding decisions are not that interested in expediting any process on my behalf. I saw my surgeon on July 2nd. He insists that he get a letter from my provincial health insurance saying they will pay for the procedure before he will perform the surgery. I asked my doctor to send a letter to the province which he did and they received it July 23. For the next two months it was passed from department to department and then sat on someones desk a couple weeks while they were on vacation. Then it went to the minister's office.  The minister's office can't make a decision and have asked for more information from my referring doctor and mailed him a request for further information. Now I must wait for my doctor to respond to the minister, and for the minister to make a decision. It has been almost four months now and while I haven't had to wait as long as some other guys I am getting frustrated with all the red tape. I hope I don't have to start this process all over again when the surgeon forgets that I already paid for a consultation....


Someone somewhere has to make a decision about my case but there is no standard medical coverage across the country and in fact in some places there is no care afforded to transgendered individuals at all. If things fall through I have to start saving to pay for my own surgery and as it sits right now it will cost me $12,500 for a surgery I can have done in the US for $5000. Why it's so much more here I don't know. I also don't know how much longer it is going to take for someone to decide whether or not I will be having my surgery. Every day I hate them more and more.

I want to do so many things just as a normal guy and I am painfully self conscious about my chest that I worry all the time about what shirt to wear, what binder to wear, whether people are looking at my chest. I feel more and more like my tits are the only thing left that are a dead giveaway to that something that just isn't quite right. I took a yoga class to fire up my writing creativity but felt uncomfortable trying some of the moves...does yoga have moves...because I still can't stand up straight with my shoulders back and not feel self conscious and embarrassed. I want to be able to go to yoga and not worry about someone seeing down the front of my shirt. I don't want to worry every time someone pats me on the back wondering if they felt a bra under my shirt. I want to feel comfortable enough to go to the gym and walk or run on a treadmill, or go flying down a set of stairs without my chest bouncing. I want to wear a dress shirt, a t-shirt, a suit jacket, swim trunks and nothing else. I want to be able to breathe, to relax, and not worry about my tits every time I am in public.

I am crossing my fingers and hoping that someday soon I can just be me.

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