9.15.2010

Paranoia and the Gossip Girl

Life never seems to level out and get boring which is a good thing and a bad thing. I could use a little less drama in my life particularly when it is the result of someone else's  issue. Here's the scoop: Last week a woman started working with us whom I met last year. She knew me as a woman, a lesbian, my former self, from playing in a golf tournament and occasionally playing softball together. I never really liked this person but had no problems getting along with her when the situation dictated it. Now she and I work at the same place and I have a few concerns about her presence as I fear it will affect my relationships at work.

When I was hired, I told my boss and her supervisor that I was trans. One other person who works with me knows for sure my situation because I told her; she is great and doing extremely well at remembering to use male pronouns etc. I am sure there are a few other people who have figured it out for themselves but are polite enough to keep it to themselves and don't treat me any differently now that they know.

The thing I am pissed off about is that I feel like I have been outed quite against my will and by someone who has no right to gossip about me to my co-workers in order to make friends and fit in. Now it is a huge assumption on my part that this is the case and here is where things get messy. I am not afraid to be honest with someone about my transition if they have the balls to ask me face to face. I am not ashamed of who I am but at the same time I do not feel like I am obligated to tell people that I used to be a woman. I don't think that is anyone's business and yet somehow I feel as though by not disclosing this information I am somehow a liar by omission.

I am fairly confident that this woman has told my "secret" to at least a couple of my co-workers and I hesitate to use the word secret because it implies deception. I am finally living as the person I have always been which is more truthful than trying to conform to the betrayal of my biological sex. Now most of the time I wouldn't really care about the motives or agenda of someone who is obviously out to step on anyone she can to advance her career, acceptance, or whatever but this time I am unsure if I am just being paranoid or if this is really happening. The other frustrating part is that I feel like I can't find out the truth without betraying myself  and revealing my trans status only to somehow feel I should defend myself and my identity. I have no proof she has said anything. I only have a significant change in behaviour to gauge whether or not this situation is real or in my head. I would confront the gossip girl but I am sure she would lie to me.

Tomorrow I will go to work and hope that the whispers and giggles, the cold shoulders and sideways glances aren't malicious, that I was just seeing things. I am hoping the instant silences that occur when I walk into a conversation isn't because I am the topic of discussion. No. Tomorrow I will go to work and pretend there is nothing wrong. I will be polite and helpful as usual and hopefully no one will say anything if I decide to wear my bright blue T-shirt which reads: Bad Estrogen.

1 comment:

amygillian said...

I think that this blog, the way you are documenting your journey is very brave and it seems a little counter productive to be so candid with your blog, but be so secretive with people in your life. Maybe people at work would feel as proud of you as I do if they knew what you were doing. You don't have to perform a song and dance, but you can tell the truth if someone asks or makes reference to it. You never know who you are going to inspire!