9.14.2010

Hockey Locker Rooms

Hockey season starts in a couple weeks. I really want to play but being a pre-op tranny doesn't help when trying to figure out where to get into gear. So many things I have written about seem to repeat themselves over and over again and prove repetedly the absolute binary in outr culture's assumption of gender. I am unsure how to feel about hockey as yet but the same anxiety over doors has reared it head once again: do I change with the ladies or the men?

I should probably mention that I intend to play with the women hockey association and while the majority of players are female, there are not usually enough players to have a game, so they allow men to play as drop in players to keep the numbers up. There is no hitting, and no slap shots. It's basically a way to get off the couch at least one night a week and have some fun. Most of the women that play hockey are women I know and most of them are lesbians who don't really care about where I change.  The problem is I don't feel like I should be changing with the women since I have decided to transition, not because of any sexuality thing but because I feel as though I am taking advantage of a unique situation. Maybe I should?

While the women's change room is definitely the place I would feel the safest, I am not sure how the women who don't know me would feel about having a hairy low-voiced guy named Marcus there. The other thing is that no matter how I look or who I am comfortale around the fact remains that I have had to choose a comfortable gender presentation and I chose male. Yes currently my body betrays my gender but if I am going to fit in with the other guys how will it look if I am changing with the women. Are the guys going to be so freaked out by me that I should fear for my safety or is that just another one of those things that women are taught to believe? Maybe those guys will be supportive or even ambivalent to me and just be glad have another guy around despite the fact I still have tits.

A pre-op friend of mine joined a mens football team this summer and was playing in the mens league. I always meant to ask him how his teammates dealt with him being a tranny, if it was awkward, if they all knew about his transition or if it was something he felt he needed to disclose. How did it go in the dressing room and was he ever afraid for his safety? I know that people up here are pretty open-minded about things and pretty laid back but at the same time it only takes one person who thinks that round pegs should go in round holes to beat you till you can't see to make you fearful of all people.

I have asked the administrator about playing as a regular member, to see if I can play on a regular basis. I am going to suck it up and take my chances and change in the mens locker room. I will probably wear a bra and binder and wear a t-shirt under my gear which will be really hot but that's ok. If I actually have my top surgery this year maybe next winter I can consider playing in the other mixed hockey league as well. Thank goodess I don't have to make this decision for curling!

Hopefully no one will ask why I don't wear a jockstrap!

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