I read something in a Harry Potter book that has stuck with me for a long time:
....there will come a time when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy
For many transgendered people, the choice to transition was the right choice but by no means is it an easy one. Too often I find myself seriously considering the easy choice instead of the right one. This usually ends up in some short and immediate gratification which is great at the time but satisfaction is short lived and sometimes the consequences of my actions are unforeseen. I find that the right choice is often far more challenging and difficult, even daunting and seemingly impossible at times. In the end however, there is a deep sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. I am hoping to feel that way when I finally reach my destination.
I have been thinking a lot about the things that are getting left behind as I make my way through this transition. It's weird to feel like I am losing something when all my life I have been trying to get to where I am headed in one way or another. I am glad that some of my family has decided to join me on this journey although I have to say they have been pretty quiet passengers so far: only two have talked to me about my transition.
This journey is a lesson about making choices. What will I keep and what will I sacrifice to make me the man I want to become? I will sacrifice my voice. I will sacrifice sensation in my nipples and chest. I have sacrificed my name for a new one. I will sacrifice my ovaries and uterus to slay the F that appears on my birth record, my driver's license, my passport. I will sacrifice some friends, maybe even some family, to complete myself. I have sacrificed confidence, comfort, and to some degree my identity as I am somehow between the girl I was and the man I will become. I might end up sacrificing more than I anticipated before this journey is over. Along the way there will be wounds that will lead to scars, some you will see and some you won't.
Everyone's life is a journey of choices; not everyone chooses the right path all the time and many of us have learned hard lessons from making the easy choice instead of the right one. Everyone has had to sacrifice something as they grow up sometimes by choice and sometimes by force. I am lucky that most of my decisions have been made by me although I must say I have had many epic failures when trying to decide what is right for me.
Transitioning has been one of the best decisions I have ever made and it has put my life and my soul to purpose. I am no longer trying to please those who are apathetic, to receive some praise and attention for doing things that I know will please others. Now I am finally growing that spine, that courage to say, no, I am a boy. I am an artist. I am selfish. This is me. I am happy and I am going to do those things which make me happy. I will no longer hide from the truth and no longer back down from challenges that may seem insane. Transitioning has focused me and made me more aware of all the reasons I need to fledge. I anticipate the future with a bit of anxiety but know that I will be deeply satisfied and finally my soul will be able to rest in its vessel and reach its full potential.
When the time comes for you to make an important decision, choose wisely my friends. Often the destination at the end of the road less travelled is more scenic and more rewarding than the shortcut.