6.28.2010

Past and Present, Meet the Future

What a great weekend! I bought a new ax at the Canadian Tire and got to chop some wood which is one of my very favourite things. I actually got to do a lot of my favourite things this weekend including some fishing and driving and sleeping outside in the fresh air. I could have passed on the mosquitoes and the smoke but otherwise it was great.

Transitioning for me is sort of like starting a new life. I have so many big life changes going on right now I literally feel like I am getting a second chance. In the last three months I have graduated from art school, legally changed my name, started testosterone, got a referral for top surgery, moved to a new city in a new part of the country, started a new job, and begun my transition to become Marcus. I am reinventing myself in a way and discovering wonderful little quirks along the way.

Taking testosterone has been one of the best decisions I've ever made despite my early reservations. I am so much happier, feel more secure as myself, and more emotionally stable. I feel like I am better able to make decisions, to stand up for myself, to speak my mind clearly and effectively, and say no when I want to without feeling guilty.  Transition is an awkward place where your identity is fluid and fluctuates as a result of how others see you. I know that as my physical body merges into a more natural masculine form the way others see me and the way I see myself will converge and there will be no more outward discrepancies. I look forward to the day where people won't look twice, won't apologize when they think they have made a mistake with regards to my gender. I will just be another guy walking down the street, buying groceries, going to work, playing hockey, taking his girlfriend out to a romantic dinner. Awkward will be left in the past and this magic period of transformation will be at once too long and too short a present.

Becoming a "brand new man" is exciting. Like the journey on a trip you have been dying to take and can finally afford, the sites and sounds and smells are all new; the experience, a once in a lifetime opportunity. Sure there are little things like sea sickness or airline delays due to weather, sketchy cab drivers, and that one hotel with the odd smelling comforter. But when you look back in ten years you won't remember those things, you'll remember the incredible scenery, the concierge that went out of his way to make your trip better, the succulent food at that one little out of the way restaurant, the friend you met who took you fishing who you still write to and will definitely look up if you ever get a chance to return. The good things are what we remember, and the same is true with transition.

I will not remember the acne, the fattening up before the growth spurt, the incredible super human ability to sweat, or the anxiety of the first few months of self injections. I will remember the first time I can grow a moustache, the joy of seeing myself for the first time after top surgery, my first chest hair, hearing myself with a deeper voice, and finally being able to do push ups! I will remember the first time someone tells me how happy I look, how natural and relaxed I seem, how proud they are of me for making such a hard decision and following my heart.

Yep the future is looking pretty bright but starting over doesn't mean leaving the past behind. Everything that I have done, every experience I have had has lead me to this place, to this point, where I can be confident and brave and face the challenges I have ahead of me. I have met and kept the right people as friends, been honest about my feelings (perhaps too much), desperately sought understanding, and finally been able to make peace with myself. The past has shaped who I am, and who I will become. I am excited to meet me and introduce my future self to the past.


There will be plenty of time to create memories, document challenges and triumphs on my journey to manhood. I hope to see many of my family and friends at the finish line smiling and cheering. I know some will be there and some will not but in reaching that goal, that end, I know there will be a great story.

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