6.16.2010

Meeting Testosterone

I have been taking testosterone for four weeks now and I have to tell you that so far I am pretty happy. It's funny that you never realize how much different you can feel when your body is getting something that it has been craving your whole life. If I had known that I could have been this happy and confident and excited about being me I would have started this years ago!

The best thing I have discovered about testosterone is that I have a greater control over my emotions; I don't cry for no reason, drop into a sudden depression, or have to ride on a whacked out mood swing that follows a 28 day cycle.  I love testosterone for giving me a greater sense of stability, for levelling out what had been for years an emotional roller coaster. I feel less anxious and while there are still times when I feel uncertain and frustrated I know that with every injection I am getting closer to being the guy I have always dreamed about.

When I look at myself in the mirror now I am excited to see the guy I was meant to be slowly emerging. I am excited to see what he's going to look like, what he's going to sound like, how he is going to move differently. I feel like my spirit is expanding into spaces in my body it has never occupied and with each injection I can feel myself beginning to stand up straighter, walk more confidently and smile a lot more.

Another thing I love about testosterone is so far I haven't had any visits or gifts from mother nature and I really can't tell you how pleased I am about that. The worst part about having a period was always the emotional instability I felt and the cramping, my god the cramping. I SO do not miss that. The rest of it never bothered me too much and if it could have just come and go inconspicuously it would never have mattered. But now it's gone (hopefully for good) and I won't ever have to think about it again. The biggest change so far, besides my improved mood, is my voice. It has definitely started to drop and for nearly three weeks I have felt like I have cold. It cracks now and then and not that I could sing before but hey in the car or shower when I was all alone I enjoyed singing along with the radio. Now I sound like an angry cat if I try to sing and when I go outside to call my cats I can't make the high pitched "here kitty kitty" they're used to. Instead it sounds like a scratched up old record and there are definitely notes that my voice can no longer hit.

When I watch movies now I study the men and wonder how am going to look when I fill out? I wonder how much body hair I am going to get, if I am going to be bald, how deep my voice will get, if I'll be thick or lean, will my ass really disappear? I have read lots of things about testosterone and the exciting and scary thing is you can't ever tell. I don't know if it turns on certain genes and turns off other ones? My doctor says it is not going to alter my genetic make up, that I am still biologically female and therefore I will not be at greater risk of heart disease just because the genetic males in my family are high risk. The women in my family live to be in their nineties so it's likely one day I'll be a really old man!

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