5.22.2010

Passing Frustrations

At this point everything is changing. Not only have I finally started testosterone, graduated from university for the second time, and packed up everything for my move north, I am looking for a job, trying to get moved in, and hoping to get a consult for top surgery this summer. Life is moving fast it would seem but time is not my friend. I am stuck in a vortex of slow waiting for my next t-shot, waiting for any visible changes, waiting for my official change of name certificate to come in the mail, waiting for the movers, waiting for doctors to call me back, waiting for a job interview, and waiting for a time to feel like I have control over something!!

Yesterday I went and got a new windshield for my car. Probably not the BEST idea before a long road trip as I am sure I will have at least one rock chip before I reach the border. But in my defense, I did need a place to put the rear view mirror... I made the appointment as Marcus, talked to the guy there a couple times and when I got there the woman called him up (he forgot he had scheduled me and had gone out on a job) and said she, she, she. I felt my heart drop like I had been betrayed and wondered  what is up with that?

Depending on where I go these days, passing is totally random luck.  Sometimes I pass with no problems, sir and he the whole bit. Other times I get none of that, I get she, her, or ladies if I am with a female friend or my girlfriend but rarely do I ever get ma'am, thank God. I am frustrated that there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to where I can pass and where I can't. It seems that only place I haven't had a problem is the men's room which is completely insane since public washrooms/change rooms have terrified me ever since I can remember.

Now it's true to a certain extent that the company you are in or the public space you inhabit will influence your ability to pass. I always felt comfortable in a situation where I know the people around me were queer but now that seems to be the place in which I feel the most alienated. Gay or Lesbian waiters, retail clerks, or service people see me as butch lesbian not ftm which was fine before I started my transition. Now, it drives me crazy! It doesn't matter how "male" I present, I still get labeled with the feminine pronouns. In public, surrounded by random and average people, I can get she from college guys or housewives and he from little old ladies (who seem to be the most consistent in their assumptions of my maleness). I guess my point is I was hoping that once I started down this path, legally changed my name, believed enough in myself, and lived as Marc for a while that other people would see me as him. But no.

Unfortunately, I wasn't born with the power to control people's thoughts any more than I was born with the ability to spontaneously change my gender.

(and in case you were wondering there was no jello)

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