5.19.2010

First Injection Jitters

Well, I have my first T injection scheduled for 9 am tomorrow morning....I gotta say I am a little more than nervous. Don't get me wrong, I am excited too but tomorrow marks the day I begin my journey into the unknown.

There are no guarantees with T so I really don't know what to expect or when to expect it. I could break out in wicked acne, go bald, get fat, get a hairy back, the voice of a twelve year old boy, and feel more isolated than ever. OR I could be more in control of my emotions, put on some muscle, grow a fabulous moustache, actually have some shoulders, and finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I am at the mercy of testosterone.

It is bittersweet to leave behind all the aspects of myself that I have longed to change but at the same time I am afraid to lose those that have made me who I am. I have identified as a lesbian for so long, been a part of that community, made my friends within that social circle. I am afraid of becoming lost in pursuit of my true identity. I am moving from one uncomfortable social space to another. I am apprehensive to exist in the world as a man and not have any idea how to be a man, interact with men, how to socialize with them, how to make friends with them, how to not get my ass kicked.

I had come to a place where I was happy with both parts of me; the girl part and the boy part. The trouble is I only have one body and I really hope that testosterone will shape it into a vessel that is more comfortable than the one I currently inhabit.  Now after reading and researching the world of FTM I still feel like I have had to choose between being a man or being a woman. There really is no place for someone who feels stuck in the middle. Maybe this will change. Maybe testosterone will make me feel normal. Maybe all the doubts I have will dissolve...

I have read a lot of blogs and most trans guys haven't said anything about being nervous, having doubts, or fearing losing a part of themselves that they might never recover. Everyone seems to have known since they were little that they were in the wrong body. I never realized that there was an option of changing this until I was in my twenties. I thought I was a boy when I was a kid but so much shit happened back then that I tried for years to be someone I wasn't. Now I put all my faith in that little kid who knew exactly who he was and was never afraid or ashamed. I trust him.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring or how fast it will get here. I am looking forward at the long road ahead while keeping an eye on the familiar scenery fading away in the rear view.

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